Bursting The Parental Bubble
As I am about to hit the 28yr mark I think these life stages of marriage and children are on my radar now. However, to be honest I am thinking about these things since 21 already. But well a part of me believes saying stuff like “at 28 marriage and children are on my radar” itself sounds like some cultural programming which is a permanent part of my operating system.
Looking beneath such programs is what I want this blog to be all about in a way. I don’t want to go down the society is controlling you rant but just some sort out some thoughts in my own head by transferring them to yours in the process.
We have plenty of reasons to have kids, or so we are told, and I’m sure if you are like me you can come up with plenty of reasons to not end up with kids. Let’s try some anyway.
The Unconditional Love Problem
Well.. the kid cannot not love you if you see what I mean. Also it’s amazing how most people are thinking of the kid concept only from the “babies are cute” lens, while completing forgetting and this dude sucking on you for milk right now will someday show up late to your doorstep all drunk and out of his wits, probably coked up too or then he might be a homosexual (cocked up..?).
The loving unconditionally goes out the door for most parents then, in fact, they can’t seem to understand why they hate their own kids with a vengeance. This is when I think most people realize that unconditional love had implicit conditions inbuilt into it such as the kid only being a mirror image of their own desires, sexuality, and interests.
I am really unsure of how many people give these things a real thought, can’t be many. Giving something real thought takes great levels of self-awareness, and the current state of self-awareness in our world is a topic for another post.
Parents Assume Implicit Control
The lack of self-awareness is again the root cause of the problem. People planning on children just do so with an assumption that the way they would raise their kids would be one in which the kid would naturally be a copy of themselves. Again I think the issue is with thinking from the baby perspective.
Once you are the one calling shots on another human being’s life for 10-15 years often with brute force, threats and power which ranges from financial dependence to basic survival it becomes hard to let go when the 17-year-old daughter wants to stay out all night and have threesomes.
They do not even take into account that they are not the only ones raising the kid but there is an entire culture out there. And if they do take culture into account their response to it is more control over the child than giving the child the ability and freedom to make choices.
This also seems to be one reason why most people do not even entertain the possibility that their son could be homosexual or decide to become a writer, director, actor or whatever. It’s simply not on their radar because their implicit idea is one where they will control and shape the child from the get-go — “we don’t do such things in our family”.
People Assume Traditions Will Live On
Parents rely too much on the traditions to extend their control on the kids. Mostly its religions, family and so on. However, it seems to me our culture is always moving towards more freedom and more liberal values and this often hacks away at traditions and religions. The internet has made knowledge open to everyone, so it’s not hard for kids to come across a detailed argument against god, religion, government and so on.
Maybe this is more of a modern problem than an old one, but it’s simply not going away and most people are simply not ready to be around their own sweet child who’s not 16 and thinks god doesn’t exist because she’s listening to Sam Harris podcasts.
What Should You Even Teach Kids?
I cannot say this without sounding like a snob but it’s simply amazing how most adults are not even adults. As Joe Rogan said once in an episode, there’s no such thing as adults there’s just kids who grew up.
How many people around you do you think really know things and have a nuanced opinion on serious matters like god, government, capitalism, careers, money, sex, drugs, alcohol and on and on it goes. At 28 now when I see most 40 somethings discuss these things it’s deadly obvious that it’s just this guy’s dead dad who’s talking through him.
And now this guy has a five-year-old back home, how can he teach the kid to think these topics through in this hyper-connected-AI-coming-soon-jobs-going away reality? The guy’s still to have an original thought about sex and alcohol and the last book he read is the newspaper! Why? Because he’s so busy with work and kids! Talk about a cluster-F.
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